Monday, May 24, 2010

Vulnerable Beauty

I wondered when I started writing this blog how often I would edit my gratitudes. There has been at least one that I hesitated in sharing (but did anyway). Otherwise I haven't had any debate- until today. It is unseasonably warm, so I pulled out my swimsuit and tried it on. I felt happy with what I saw in the mirror. I instantly felt grateful for this feeling, and knew it would be one of my gratitudes... Well, it would be if I was writing this privately, in my journal. For some reason saying I was grateful for how I felt seeing myself in a swimsuit felt the hardest to share out of 420 gratitudes.

This got me thinking, "Why?"

"Why does it feel like I am breaking some taboo or barrier to state I felt content in my swimsuit...?" Maybe then I wouldn't be marketable. There is a lot of money invested to insure that I am not content with my body. If I were - I wouldn't have to fix everything - coloring, straightening, conditioning my hair, removing it from all the places it does not belong, make-up for my face, tanning for my skin, paint for my nails, ab busters, tread mills, slim fast, weight watchers... (not even mentioning plastic surgery)... If I was happy with the way I looked now, what would I buy?

I see why we can't let this happen.

I have heard plenty of times about supermodels who don't think they are beautiful or find things wrong with their bodies - Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, Shakira... I know the fact that I felt happy only partially relates to what I saw in the mirror - a greater part of it is simply how I felt about who I am. The happiness was a indicator.

"It's not easy to accept satisfaction. It still feels like something abnormal. I think in our society, it's forbidden because it's so powerful"
- Tara

Aphrodite's Daughters: Women's Sexual Stories and the Journey of The Soul
by Jalaja Bonheim

So today I am grateful for:

#421 - Trying on my Swimsuit and Feeling Happy With How I Looked

#422 - The Debate that I had with Myself about whether to Share that and the Writing that Came Out of It

#423 - The Fact That I am Sharing It Anyway

#424 - As I am writing this I am debating whether to just state "swimsuit" or "bikini." Is it relevant? It feels more vulnerable to say bikini. This is probably why I didn't own one until I was 31 years old, it felt too vulnerable. Well, I guess I will be grateful to step into this vulnerability. Hey, that will make a good title for today too :)

#425 - One of my poems about beauty

Ordinary Beauty

It was in her ordinariness
that lay her beauty

Her lack of circumstance
that made her shine

It was the way she tucked her hair
tasted her tears

Her looks never remarkable
yet extraordinary
like lupine walked by
but never seen

Her path never commendable
yet once it crossed yours
forks appeared
and a curve around a bend

She wasn't outdoing anyone
or anything
she simply asked to be someone
who deeply listened
and still could sing


  1. ah, one of my favorite poems :)

  2. Thank you for writing what you wrote today.
    It's nothing I didn't know of course, yet I had never thought of it that way!
    It will make me see some things differently.